NCIS: No Crew Is Snarkier
by ArkadyLady
Summary: Collection of drabbles featuring banter by our favorite special agents.
1. Jinkies

"Okay, here's the plan." Callen began to address the team, with the addition of Eric and Nell, as they hid out in a van a block away from their target. They were preparing to infiltrate an unsurprisingly nefarious security company.

"With the intelligence we recently received, we now know there's a central mainframe and a decoy mainframe. So far, we haven't been able to tell which is which. It'll be best if Nell and Eric are on separate teams. They each have a copy of the necessary software."

Everyone was nodding in agreement as Callen continued.

"Eric, you'll be with Sam and Kensi. Nell, you'll be with me and Deeks."

This order garnered some confused and curious looks from the others.

Kensi was the first to ask what everyone was thinking, "Full partner split?"

Callen nodded. "Full partner split. We're dealing with a higher risk than normal. It makes sense for the senior agents to be on different teams." The team leader continued, "Plus, we need to keep our open comm talk to an absolute minimum. This place has extreme surveillance. We'll probably need to improvise code talk to communicate from team to team what we find, and your partner's the best one to decode."

This explanation seemed to satisfy all their questions.

"Makes sense. And each team has a beauty, brains, and brawn," remarked Deeks.

"Do I want to know which one I am?" asked Callen, receiving solely a grin from Deeks in reply.

Callen resumed business talk.

"Sam, you and Team B will enter the facility first –"

"If we're entering first, why are we Team B? Doesn't make any sense."

Sam's question received a raised eyebrow and short silence from Callen.

"I rank the highest. Whatever team I'm on is Team A." Callen's tone suggested he thought this should be obvious logic.

"But we're going in first."

"Sam, I'm just going by standard naming protocol."

The partners shared silent looks for a moment before Callen offered a compromise. "Fine. We'll be Team A, and you guys can be the A-Team. Would you like to know your code name?"

Sam's face had "Don't go there" written all over it. Callen just smirked.

"Alright, everyone, check your watches. We're at three past the hour. Team 1," he took a moment to grin at Sam before continuing, "you go in. Team A will be in 13 minutes after you enter."

Sam just shook his head as Kensi and Eric followed him out of the van.

Callen watched the door close before shaking _his_ head. "So petty."

"I can still hear you."

"I know, Sammy. I know."

Deeks smiled at Callen's last comment, thinking about when in the future he'd be using the name "Sammy." He then figured, _Why wait_?

"Oh, don't give him a hard time, Callen. Clearly _Sammy's_ suffering from separation anxiety."

Sam restrained himself from commenting this go-round. He knew they knew he could hear them. _Best to let the idiots grin to themselves in the van_ , he thought.

As they waited for Team 1 to enter the facility, Deeks commented to Nell. "Well, Velma, looks like it's you, me, and Scooby on this one."

Callen's brow furrowed as he turned to Deeks.

"Wait. _I'm_ Scooby? Why am I Scooby?"

"What? Come on. Scooby's awesome! He's the titular character. Plus, when the gang splits up, it's usually either Scooby and Shaggy or Scooby, Shaggy, and Velma."

"I can't be Fred? I'm the leader. I'm the one who told the gang to split up. Scooby was a total chicken."

Deeks wanted to say, "Now you?" but instead continued on the Scooby argument.

"Nell and I already have this Shaggy and Velma thing going, though. Shaggy was a chicken, too, remember?"

"Fair point. But Scooby would jump into Shaggy's arms. Am I supposed to jump in your arms when I get scared?"

"I mean, you're welcome to," Deeks grinned. "But I am also up for giving you a Callen Snack when this mission is over."

They sat in silence for a few moments, realizing Team 1 could comment at anytime if they hadn't entered the building yet. No one said anything, but they did hear Sam introduce himself as Fred to one person.

Nell was shaking her head. She had been relieved at the partner split earlier because she figured she'd be spared this kind of back-and-forth banter the pair of partners were wont to do. She was kicking herself for not having seen this coming.

As Team A prepared to exit the van, which Deeks had taken to calling the Mystery Machine, Nell just sighed and mumbled a low, "Jinkies."


	2. One Too Many

_Chapter Note: Post-"The Long Goodbye." G was waiting outside for Deeks, and they go and have some drinks after checking on Sam – whom they are both worried about._

"Oh. My. God. We have to do it. We _have_ to!"

Deeks sat holding Callen's face with both his hands on either side. He was staring straight into Callen's currently wide and confused eyes as he excitedly babbled about what he felt was a worthwhile plot.

The same level of inebriation that encouraged Deeks's grabbing of his team leader's face prevented what would have been Callen's normal reaction of pulling away from a face grab.

"We can't, though. He'd kills us. He has so many muscles, Deeks. He can kill us!"

Deeks, still holding Callen's face, just started shaking his head. As he began to speak, he also began shaking Callen's head for him.

"No, he won't kill us. He loves us so much. He's a Teddy Bear. He's a Teddy Bear who needs a party, G. G, he needs a party. We have to throw him a party, G."

"Where would we have the party? We can't mess his house up. Michelle would bill us for the clean up." Callen leaned in to Deeks. "Deeks. She has a receipt pad. I've sawn it."

Callen was at the point of grammar failure, and this is usually when he wrapped things up unless the day had been notably rough.

Deeks removed his hands from Callen's face to throw them in the air as a new idea came to him.

"Bomb shelter."

"Bomb shelter? Sam's?" Callen was just shaking his head. "You don't want that food at a party, Deeks. It does _not_ taste great. Trust me, I've tried it."

"No. No, no, no, no, no. No, G. No. We bring food. Like chips and stuff."

"Kale chips? It has to be kale chips. Maybe kiwi-no chips."

Deeks assumed this was a new type of food he hadn't heard of, but Callen really meant "quinoa."

"Okay. Okay. Kale chips. Kiwi-no chips. Healthy stuff. And…confetti!" On this last bit, Deeks threw his glass up in the air. While it mostly empty, some leftover drops flew around the neighboring area.

"NO. GLITTER. Deeks. No glitter. It has to be something Sam likes…Oh! Protein powder! We'll use protein powder confetti!"

"YES! G, you are a genius!" Deeks was smiling and nodding. "Wait! That's your name. You're name is in genius!"

Deeks began laughing, and Callen joined in with a chuckle.

"I should go by that!"

Deeks then gasped. "What if _that's_ your real name?"

Callen gasped, as well. "Oh. Man. Maybe!"

"This has been thoroughly entertaining," said Kensi to Talia, as they sat in a poorly lit area not far from where the guys were. "Should we let them know we're here?"

"We should definitely buy them more drinks first," replied Talia with a smirk.


	3. Boo!

_Chapter Summary:Team banter in the bullpen as G discusses plans for Sam's future._

"Since when do we have to start paperwork immediately after finishing a case?"

Sam Hanna was sporting one of his classic "done" faces, though this one was slightly weakened by exhaustion. The case had lasted for weeks, and they had finally wrapped it up. He and G were heading back to the bullpen to begin the more mundane aspect of their job. G didn't care for paperwork because, as he always explained to Sam, it reminded him that they were actually at work. Sam was fine with paperwork, save for those times when he just felt like the written word didn't fully capture the feats he had achieved in action. However, he was less fine with it now.

When Sam sat down at his desk, he was still shaking his head. "Don't we usually get to work on it the next day?"

"There is still ample time remaining in the day, Mr. Hanna. Efficient practices are nothing we should complain about." Hetty, who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, was staring him down with a chiding look. "A fresher grasp of the case may also prove a boon to accuracy. Wouldn't you agree?"

Sam flashed one of his fakest smiles towards their Ops Manager. "I completely agree, Hetty. Completely."

Hetty nodded and walked off. (Or did she? One never really knew.)

G just softly chuckled as he turned to his computer screen. Despite his strong desire to give Sam a hard time, he figured he'd give him a break. Just this once. Changing the subject, he asked, "So do you think they'll let us put 'extreme midlife crisis' when discussing Donald Nichols?"

"I don't think you can blame a couple murders on a mid-life crisis, G. Luxury purchases and trophy wives, maybe."

"Okay, but, he _did_ murder those people to obtain both of those things." G grinned at Sam, who just responded with a head shake and an eye roll.

"So, should we be watching each other for those things?"

Sam wasn't immediately sure what G meant, but only because he didn't actually think G would be bringing that up.

"What? No. I am not in danger of having a midlife crisis. I'm not even 'mid-life,' yet."

To this, G raised his eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Oh? No. I am making it to at least 100. At least." Sam then eyed G up and down. "You, though, the way you live? You're late. You should have had one at 30."

"Really? 60?"

Sam firmly nodded. "Yes. Make some changes, and maybe you can reach retirement age."

"So, you are the decider of fate now?" G would've been annoyed by this, if he weren't so amused.

"Not the decider. Just one of the best guessers around." Sam genuinely smiled for the first time since reaching the bullpen before beginning the clerical task at hand.

Grinning, G replied in a matter-of-fact-tone, "Ah, well, that actually works for me. It means I have about 40 years to haunt you."

On this, Sam looked back up. "You what?"

"Haunting you. I'm going to haunt you. You're welcome. I know you're going to miss me, so I'm dedicating some of my afterlife to spending it with you. Now, what all can I do?"

G pulled a notepad to himself, and began to jot some things down. "Let's see. So, I need to get a list of all the scary clown movies, so that I'll know what to play on loop on your TV. I should probably also invest in a couple of clown dolls that are near your house, make sure I can move them easily as a ghost. I'm not 100% certain of ghost rules, though." He looked up at Sam. "How far can ghosts move things?"

"G, ghosts don't exist. And you are definitely not haunting me."

G just looked back down and began writing again. "Look into ghost rules."

G and Sam looked up as they heard Kensi and Deeks entering the bullpen area, debating whether or not a phrase Kensi had used was a metaphor or an allegory. Their return to the bullpen had been delayed following their need to change and shower after their undercover work in the op.

"Aww, Kens, look at the two little worker bees pretending to get on top of that paperwork." Deeks then leaned over a little to glance at what Sam was working on. "Oh, wait, you're _really_ doing paperwork?"

Sam cautioned, "Watch what you say, Deeks. You might summon Hetty." He then surreptitiously took a quick look around to make sure he hadn't done exactly what he was warning Deeks about.

"Deeks!" G sounded excited. "I'm glad you're here."

A proud, beaming smile ran across Deeks's face. "Oh, really?"

"Yes. I need you to help me think of things to do when I haunt Sam."

"When you what?" Kensi was staring at G, extremely confused.

"When I haunt Sam. I'm trying to plan ahead."

"Planning way ahead, don't you think?" asked Kensi.

"Not according to Sam."

Sam noted, "Hey, I gave you a decade and a half."

"Clown movies. You have to have the clown movies."

"Ah," G pointed down at the pad with his pen, "Already have that. Plus dolls. I'm trying to think if I should just write 'Angola' or 'dysentery' on the walls, as well."

"Yes. Good. You definitely want some good things to write on the wall, especially to let him know it's you. Maybe something simple like, 'Sammy.' Or something complicated that capitalizes on his other fears, like, 'You're not perfect! Mwahaha!'"

Deeks's evil laughed garnered a chuckle from Kensi, which, in turn, garnered a glare from Sam.

Kensi shrugged and asked, "What?"

"Make him stop."

"Make him stop? Are you serious, Sam?"

"Yes. Control your man. He's only egging G on. I'm trying to do paperwork here."

Kensi scoffed. "You control yours first."

"Oh! That's my ladybird, there!" Deeks and Kensi both lifted their hands in the air, giving the other a virtual high five from their desks.

"I can't believe this." Sam was, once again, just sitting there shaking his head.

Deeks then said, "Resistance."

"Damn right I'm showing resistance. This is absurd."

"No, no. I meant resistance machines." Deeks turned to G. "Mess with his resistance machine to make him think he's getting weaker."

G excitedly pointed at Deeks. "That's what I'm talkin' about!"

Kensi vigorously nodded, as well.

G then returned to musing. "I should definitely start small, though. Make him wonder first if he's just missing things. 'Am I becoming forgetful? Did Michelle move this? Is it G?' Keys moved here, glasses moved there. Small things."

"This is ridiculous." Sam then surveyed the whole room. "You're _all_ ridiculous."

"Sure. You say that now. But, years in the future, when anything is slightly off, you'll be wondering if it's me."

G just nodded and smiled.

Then, Deeks smiled and turned to Sam. "And I'll be there to ask, 'Do you think that's him?' Just in case you forget."

"Thank you, Deeks."

"Of course!"

Sam sighed, currently exasperated with his co-workers. "Please. If something's a little off and I think someone is creeping around my house, I'm going to assume it's Hetty."

"How's that paperwork coming, Mr. Hanna?"


	4. Saturday Morning

_Chapter Note: This was written as spec for "Come Back."_

A knock on his door was not something G Callen was expecting this Saturday morning. He had spent the morning doing a little cleaning, which is all that was really required in his home: dust a few lamps and you're pretty much done.

To his surprise, he found Sam Hanna and his daughter Kamran standing outside. The littlest Hanna sported a beaming smile and held a soccer ball in her left arm. Her father, meanwhile, wore a slight smirk.

"Hi, Uncle G!" exclaimed Kam, reaching in for a hug.

"Morning, G," Sam said with a nod.

As G returned the hug to Kam, he looked up at her father and asked, "What brings you two here?"

"Kam has decided she's interested in soccer. Michelle is having some friends over and wanted the backyard clear. We decided we'd come over to Uncle G's and practice. Plus, if we decide indoors is better, we can just come back in. It's not like we'll break anything here." Sam ended the explanation on a wink.

As Kam was still in their presence, G held his smile - though it was proving somewhat of a struggle. "And was your phone not working? Because mine is, and could easily have received a call if you wanted to, you know, ask to come over."

"Ask?" Sam let out a small laugh. "You told me I never had to ask. All those times you crashed at my place. 'I'm going to get a place, Sam. I'm definitely going to get a place, Sam. When I get a place, Sam, you can come over anytime. I promise. No need to call. Mi casa will be su casa, Sam.' Sound familiar?"

G definitely had no reply for this. He simply extended his arm to indicate they were welcome to come in. G closed the door and the Hannas began to make their way to the back.

Kamran briefly paused and pointed to their right. "Oh, look, Dad! Table and chairs!"

G looked at Sam with a furrowed brow. "Most people aren't usually excited by tables and chairs."

"Oh, it's a game we play. I have to see if I notice anything new or different when we come over!" explained Kamran, excitedly.

G looked over at Sam, who bore a sheepish smile.

"I probably wasn't supposed to know about that game, was I?"

Sam remained silent and just guided his daughter further to the back.

G sighed and shook his head. Suddenly, he heard a second surprise knock on the door. He turned and stared at the door for a few confusion-filled moments. A repeated knock reminded him he should actually answer it.

This time, Kensi and Nell were on the other side. Kensi's huge smile suggested she was about to ask for a favor. The six-pack of beer she was extending his way confirmed it.

"Good morning, Callen. How are you? I wanted to drop off this gift and ask for a tiny favor."

"By taking this beer, it does not mean I agree to the favor." G was acting like he was going to stand his ground, but he knew he'd cave.

"Of course not." Kensi nodded in both agreement and understanding. "I was trying to downsize before moving in with Deeks, and there are just some things that mean too much to me, but we have no room for. I was hoping you'd let me store some stuff here - either until I find a storage facility I feel comfortable with or can let some of these things go."

G knew Kensi well enough to know that all of her items were permanently storage-bound. If she couldn't get rid of it right now, she probably never would. He couldn't deny that he had plenty of space he never used. However, he liked it that way. He was weighing the decision back and forth when his phone rang.

"Why don't you guys come in while I get that? Sam and Kam are already here."

Kensi and Nell stepped in, and G shut the door behind them. He went over and picked up his phone only to spot "MD" on the Caller ID. He had wondered why Deeks wasn't here, and he figured he was about to get his answer.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Callen. It's Deeks. Listen, just a heads up: Kensi is coming over. She's going to ask you to store some of her stuff. It's a lot - we're talking the anti-Mother-Hubbard. I'm pretty sure I saw her moving some of the discard items back into the storage boxes. I'd be with her, but I only feel like an enabler. Just, don't be afraid to say 'No.' Stay strong. I believe in you."

"Wait, what?" The last bit threw G off. Actually, all of this was throwing him off.

"Oh, sorry, Callen. I'm with some of my surfer buddies, and a couple of them are in affirmation mode. Just -"

"That case is actually already under investigation," G told him, looking over at Kensi. If this were work, he might be a little less considerate of avoiding a potential spat by outting Deeks. However, he was in his own home and would prefer it drama-free.

"She's already there, isn't she?" Deeks's question was more rhetorical than anything else.

"Affirmative. I don't foresee any impending complications with the case at this point, if that helps."

"Oh, okay. Just checking. Look, I have to go. Take care!"

"Of course." G ended the conversation in a serious tone to keep up the act.

He then briefly turned away from his company and sighed. He put the cell phone down and headed back over to Kensi and Nell.

"So, Nell's helping you move? Where's Deeks?"

"He didn't tell you where he was on the phone just now?" asked Kensi with a grin.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Uh-huh," replied Kensi, who seemed more amused than anything else. "Nell is my partner in crime today. She had a free morning and was happy to help."

Nell nodded. "Yep. I tried to get Eric to come, but he had super secret plans. He insisted he couldn't tell me what he was doing. No complaints, though, about the lovely breakfast we had this morning to build up our energy."

Kensi smiled. "Exactly. We're like ladies who lunch except...broads who breakfast."

"Alright, broad, how much stuff are we talking about here?"

"I am glad you asked. Come on. I'll show you the boxes."

G followed Kensi out the house to fully assess the "situation." Deeks's anti-Mother-Hubbard assessment was correct.

"Kensi, half these boxes are bigger than Nell!"

Kensi laughed. "Look, Callen, you only have to keep what you want. This stuff just means a lot to me, and I wanted to make sure it would be safe."

"Everything means a lot to you, Kensi. That's your problem."

Kensi made a slight scowl. "A little sentiment wouldn't hurt you, Callen. All the more reason to store some of this stuff. Maybe the sentimentality will rub off on you. We don't always get a lot of good memories, and remembering them is a little easier when you have something tangible - even those tiny, nice moments that made you smile, if nothing else."

G went to reply, but chose not to.

"And don't think that beer is the only gift you'll be getting." Kensi's beaming smile had returned.

"Oh? What else will I get?"

"Well, how does a couch sound? Or even a full living room set?"

"A couch?!"

"Yes! Come on, you need a couch. I have an extra couch - and some other pieces. Think about a day like today when you could use one. You only have four chairs, Callen."

G sighed. "Kensi, today is an anomaly. A real anomaly. I don't need a couch. Or anything else. You're better off selling it."

"Just think about it. It's a great couch, Callen. And..." Kensi was starting to laugh a little and had to fight to keep the chuckle in. "It won't clash with your decor." She was no longer holding the laugh in, when they both heard a surprising voice behind them.

"Oh, hey, guys!" They turned to see Eric walking up, holding a soccer ball. "Kensi, er, I didn't think...you'd be here. Does that mean Nell is here, too?"

"Yes, Eric, it does." Kensi confirmed.

"Eric, what are you doing here?"

"Ah, well, Callen, Sam asked me to come by and help him with...something. He didn't really want me to tell anyone outside of you."

Kensi looked offended. "Wait, why?"

Eric looked uncomfortable and responded with nothing. G ended the awkward silence. "I'm guessing you're here to help with soccer? And, if Sam didn't want you to tell anyone, he's not exactly proud of his own soccer skills - or lack thereof."

Eric looked slightly more uncomfortable, "Um, noooo. No. I just happened to mention that I knew some good soccer drills. I was never big on the game, but it really helps with choreography - something I learned in high school. I offered to help."

Kensi grinned. "I thought you said he asked you to come and help?"

G joined in. "And why would your offer need to be a secret?"

Eric stood for a moment before nodding to both of them and heading inside sans answers.

G and Kensi watched Eric go inside. Kensi commented, "I guess I should probably call Deeks to come over."

"Yeah," G noted. "May as well have the whole gang over. Hell, ask him to pick up Granger. Hetty's probably already here hiding somewhere."

Kensi looked at him with a sly smile. "I meant to get that couch over here."

G shot her a look before letting out a little laugh and shaking his head.


End file.
